I don't use Facebook any more. I deleted my account (again) because of my increasing concerns about privacy and information retention and sharing. I'd been visiting the website a lot, posting on my wall at least every couple of days and adding comments much more frequently. Then I went cold turkey.
The mental instincts and mindset which I'd developed for social interaction using that website persisted for a couple of weeks. Having gained some offline perspective I was surprised and even ashamed of how I had begun to use Facebook. I would like to write a bit about Facebook and how it interacted with some of my vices.
The Game
I am not naturally a socially confident person. Some of the time I can't even bluff it but mostly I try to make up for it with enthusiasm. If I can't say the right thing, I'll err on the side of just saying a lot. Awkward silences are awkward.
But I know I'm not special. I think social insecurity applies to most of us at some level. However, we geeks have the advantage that it's pretty much expected. We can talk about it and joke about it with geeks and non-geeks alike. We interpret things literally, boy geeks suck at talking to girls, girl geeks suck at talking to boys -- you know how it goes.
The fact is that talking to people can be really hard. Facebook is much more comfortable for me as a geek because it is a website. I understand how the tool works. I am used to expressing myself through uninflected typed text. Most importantly, Facebook necessarily imposes a structure on the way social interaction proceeds. Aaah to have a bit of structure, a bit of logic in this crazy world which is people.
Most of what happens on Facebook is actually very simple. Disregarding application spam, meaningful posts normally take the form of a short textual status update, a link to an external website, a photo album or a larger textual Note. You can comment on any of these, and "Like" any of these, which puts your name underneath it as a supporter of the item.
Suddenly, consciously or not, Facebook is a game to me: to perform my best in the social world I want to optimise quality of posts against frequency of posts. How do I tell if a post is good quality? I see how many comments I get and how many Likes I get.
It's sad, isn't it? I would periodically review my Wall (which shows all my recent posts) and evaluate my performance based on whether I had any posts with no comments or Likes.
At the time I justified it differently. I had a notion that my brain comes up with cool things which I just have to share with the world, but I still don't want to bore everyone. If nobody is Liking my posts then I clearly need to work on increasing my cool-enough-to-share-on-Facebook threshold, hard though it may be.
Bullshit. I was playing a game. A game in which I try to demonstrate to myself that I'm a cool person and comments are the score.
Affirmation
I don't think I'm egotistical. I don't believe that I'm better overall as a person than anybody else. My goal is simply to be a like-able person. It's something I live by and I think it's a good thing.
Because Facebook is easier than real life social interaction for me, I began to prioritise it. I would check and post on Facebook while out and about with friends.
Sometimes I would think of a joke and instead of saying it right away to the small group of people I was with, I would save it to post on Facebook later. Many of those people would see it anyway, as would everyone else on my friends list. Bam, an efficiency gain right there.
Sometimes these jokes would be well-received and I would get the warm fuzzies watching people indicate their approval on Facebook some way or another. "Yes! I'm a good person! I can make people chuckle!" I would think. This in itself is not a mistake. I like to make people laugh and their approval was genuine.
The mistake is having that evaluation of self-worth depend mostly upon a single system, Facebook. The mistake is contorting myself to prioritise it. And it came about because it gives me structure, a quantitative metric for coolness and a sense of control.
Stalking
I don't like the term Facebook stalking. Stalking implies something malicious and dangerous. I'm sure this happens on Facebook but the majority of what people call "stalking" is simply viewing the profile of another user whom you don't know well personally, in order to find out more about them.
From a technical point of view complaining about this is stupid. If you don't want arbitrary people looking at your Facebook profile then you should lock down your privacy settings (as little as you can these days) to restrict access, or maybe not use Facebook at all.
In reality the situation is similar to the letter vs the spirit of the law. People put information about themselves on their profile but even if it's public, you're still creepy if you go and read it if you wouldn't get access to that information in person.
I did some of this contemporary definition of "stalking". It certainly wasn't malicious. For me it was just a low-interaction (safe!) way for me to find out who people are. I didn't do it a lot and the targets were a wide variety of people whose names I'd heard, friends of friends, etc. Nonetheless I have decided it was bad.
I propose a simple litmus test: Would you be comfortable meeting that person and telling them that you chose to go to their profile and learnt the things about them that you did?
In many of my cases the answer would be no. They would probably think I was creepy. If they published the information on a personal website or something like that I wouldn't have any concern at all. It is a problem I talk about a lot: on Facebook people have a perceived expectation of some level of privacy. It doesn't exist but regulating your own "stalking" shows respect to these people.
Friends are important
I've outlined some pretty bizarre thinking which I did when I was a Facebook user. It's fair to say that I feel like a bit of a knob.
It is important to say that I really do appreciate my friends. I don't take them for granted and they deserve as much friendship and respect as I can give them. I valued the things they had to say on Facebook and I was always genuine in my own comments.
I don't want that to be a game. I'm sure my friends would like their comments, both online and in person, to be taken at face value rather than to be unwitting participants in some scheme where I'm trying to achieve some definition of social success.
In case anyone's worried, I'm not worryingly insecure. I shouldn't be. I have many friends and I've had many of them for a long time. It's just that good inter-personal communication is still tricky. Not many people are exceedingly good at it. That's why I was sucked into some of these things which I'm not proud of -- Facebook offered an easier way to manage people.
Who's to blame? Me, I guess, but with these insights in hand I definitely won't make the same mistakes again.
